I Believe

 Believe-
that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe-
that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I Believe-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I Believe-
that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by other. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken that the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I Believe-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe-
that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I Believe-
that you shouldn’t be eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I Believe-
that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving well wishes. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe-
that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I Believe-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe-
that we don’t have to change friends, if we understand that friends change.

I Believe-
that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe-
that you either control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, that passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I Believe-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones who help you get back up.

I Believe-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

I Believe-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I Believe-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon

(Jimmy Johns poster)

Reflection on 2009

"Everything in life is connected somehow. You may have to dig deep to find it but its there. Everything is the same even though its different. Somehow everything connects back with your life. The faces in certain places may be different, but the situation is the same. Irony is a hidden factor that creeps around us in life, letting its presence felt only after it has left. Picture back to a year ago and the situation you were in. Look at how things are different yet somehow everything it still in someway cognate. Everything connects together to form the balance of life, to maintain structure. Change is and always will be inevitable, but everything is relative, and all the moments and times in your life will come back around again, you just might find yourself on the other side of the coin. Things are always changing, as fast as everything stays the same.”

My Life in 2009

I was home in Idaho to welcome the new year...started the night out at Christina's and then went a few different places with Mallory, Adam, and Ben. I haven't had a great New Year's Eve for awhile now...I think it's time to have one :) Next year will be the year... I will get to kiss my wonderful husband at midnight.

Lauren, Colie, Christina, Whitni, and Summer...New Years Eve 2008

I came back to Hawaii the first week in January and Logan picked me up from the airport. That's when it all started.... =)

The couple weeks I had before school started up again were a lot of fun. I hungout with friends, mostly Lia and Jesse and Logan. We barbecued, golfed, bowled, went out to the pub...it was a lot of fun.

Hiking Olomana with Logan (January 2009)

Backyard BBQ. Lia and Me (January '09)

Jesse, Lia, me, and Nicole at the Pub (January '09)

Logan and Jesse (January '09)

Me, Nicole, Logan, and Jesse at the Pub (January '09)

Mid-January I started level 4 of nursing school. Had OB and Pediatrics at TAMC and Kaiser. It was a good semester and I really enjoyed my clinicals.

Orientation day for OB at Tripler.

Peds clinical @ Kaiser: Annalyn, Samera, Me, Janice, Lorna, Berdem, Joon, and Baranda

February was a rough month. A lot of nights were spent driving my favorite drive in the rain, the music cranked up, and tears rolling down my face. The sort of things that happen to other people or their families...those same sort of things you always thought would never happen to you...happened. Nobody knew for a long time and the weight of it all really brought me down. I put on a smiling face and a tried to stay strong. Things worked out...if that's what you want to call it. Things are never perfect. Families are never perfect. 


I think the Great Aloha Run was in February...and man oh man I was not ready for 8 miles! My feet and my body hated me for a few days after that! I really got into running after that though and during that semester I loved my runs in the rain and hikes up Koko Head. I would get to the top of Koko Head, crank up the ipod and just sit there for so long. It was such an amazing feeling to me to be up there. I think I need to start doing that again.

The view from Koko Head.

I <3 Graffiti

Went to Pro Bowl in February! That was fun :) Lia, Jesse, Logan and I went and I tried to learn how football works. That's when I finally understood what downs were and what the heck they were talking about when they said 1st & 7 or something like that. I had a good teacher.

Pro Bowl 2009

March and April seem like a blur to me. I think I was mostly just doing school stuff.


May was the end of the semester, mom's trip to Hawaii and my trip to Vegas and Yuma. It was a busy month! Mom and I had a lot of fun together...we even took her out one night to Nashville's and let her have one extra Beam & Diet to drink. We even hit the Jack in the Box drive through on the way home! She was a trooper and had fun playing blackjack with the Army boys. She even went out for a spin on the dance floor! We also went to listen to Z sing for the first time while she was here. Both of us fell in love with Zaysha's voice. She is great.

Just a few days after mom left I went to Vegas to see Kristi and my studly little nephew. Then Logan got me a rental car and I drove down to Yuma for the weekend and we had so much fun together. Figures that the night I get there is a night when they were all put on base restriction and not allowed to leave! But we had a hotel on base and being the little rebels that we are ;) we left base anyways and at some yummy food out at Olive Garden and Logan's and we even went to the casino one night. We were finally able to be together again after him being gone for 3 months!

The end of May is when Logan got home and I started staying at his place the first day he was home. I just moved over all my stuff slowly because I had to be out of my house by the end of June. May is when we went to Ashley and Drew's wedding and it was beautiful! I started working at Sun Splash again the end of May also...just a summer thing.

 Leaving the house for the wedding. And @ work!


My birthday was in June and Logan made it wonderful :) I got my pearl ring from him (a week early though =]) and we at dinner at Jameson's on the North Shore. He made me raspberry cheesecake for dessert. Sooooooooooooo yummy! I'll never forgetting walking over to the beach just after sunset and Logan singing to me. It was perfect.

My birthday present! <3

The 4th of July was fun! We went kayaking in Kailua with Keith and his friend...went out to the flat rock and walked arount on the sharp rocks in our bare feet! Later we went out to Big City Diner for a beer and their delicious edamame but then some guys we met a few weeks earlier at Ruby Tuesday's called us and told us to go to Boardriders. So we ended up going over there for awhile until Logan had a few too many drinks and we retired early :) It was fun and it's always nice to get to know new people.

Kayaking and exploring :)

July was also our trip home to Idaho and time for Logan to meet the family. It was great and we were even able to stop in Vegas on the way to meet up with little Wyatt. We went out on the boat with them one day and Wyatt warmed up to Logan so fast. He even fell asleep in his arms. It was so sweet. The camping trip was fun as always! I love my family :) A few night before we left to head back to Hawaii, we got a birthday cake for Logan and surprised him with it. My parents, Jonah, Lindsay, and I were all sitting outside and I snuck inside to grab the cake and light the candles and then walked back out and we all sang Happy Birthday to him. We had an early celebration for him since he would be in Afghanistan on his real birthday.

We also got our tattoos while we were home! We got matching ambigram's that read "Forever" one direction, and "Always" in the other direction. I went first and it was waaaaaay more painful that I ever expected it to be. I actually cried :(

After we got home from Idaho, we only had a little over a week before Logan's deployment. It was rough but we managed. The night before he was supposed to leave, we went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner and met some really nice guys at the bar. They ended up buying 7 rounds of drinks until I was finally able to drag us out of there! I think they would have kept on going if we wouldn't have left! They were so appreciative of Logan and his service...it was so nice to feel their support. But then Logan was supposed to leave the next day and got pushed back! It was good but at the same time it wasn't just because you have to work hard to mentally prepare yourself to say goodbye...and then all of a sudden you have an extra 2 days. It just messes with your emotions a little bit, that's all. I made us a reservation at Buzz's Steakhouse for our last dinner together and it was sooooooooooooooo delicious! We even got seated at the "President's Table." Lol After dinner we walked across the street to the beach. It was a beautiful night and the sky looked almost purple.

Dinner @ Buzz's and then Kailua Beach.

JULY 29, 2009...the day my love asked me to be his wife!

It was also the last day we would see each other for 7 months.

This deployment has been hard in a lot of ways, but easy in some ways too. It has not been fun at all but we both think that it has allowed our relationship to grow in ways it never would have before. We also now know what it feels like to be away from each other and have no guarantee of a phone call or an e-mail. We have become stronger as a couple and our love for each other has grown in so many ways.

Right after he left, I flew out the next day to Seattle to stay with my cuzzy! It was good for me to get out of Hawaii for those first few days. Plus, I had a blast in Washington. I went because she got us concert tickets to see Kenny Chesney, Sugarland, Lady Antebellum, Miranda Lambert, and Montgomery Gentry. It was an AMAZING concert and we had great seats! We even scored Corona cowboy hats to wear :) We went to the waterpark too while I was there. Andria moved back to Washington in May so it was really nice spending time with her. She was good at keeping a smile on my face and my mind off Logan.

When I got back to Hawaii, my dad came to visit for a week. He also helped me move out of our apartment. I put some stuff in storage and then the rest of my stuff and I moved out to Ewa to live with Karen. It was a looooooooong way from my windward side that had been my home for the past 2 years but it worked :) Karen was great, and the dog was a treat to have. I miss him.


School started the first week of September and the craziness of level 5 had begun. I just kept saying...I just want it to be two weeks from now and I'll be able to breathe. But then two weeks would pass and I'd still be saying the same thing. It was never ending until the end of the semester!

I had a scare the beginning of September when I had my kidney stones. Talk about PAINFUL. I will be so thankful if I never have to go through that ever again. The worst thing was that it all started about a week and a half before I started my complex clinical. If we miss the first day for any reason...we cannot take the class in the semester. So...the afternoon before I had my first clinical day at 6:30 a.m. I was sitting in the urologists office trying to explain to him why I couldn't be admitted to the hospital like he was suggesting. I was in so much pain and could hardly walk but the only thing I was thinking about was how if I missed clinical the next day then I wouldn't be able to graduate. He let me out of there and said if I'm still in that much pain at 10 pm then I had to go to the ER and get admitted. So I left, took some pain pills and woke up bright an early for clinical pain free! I haven't had any pain since! I am so thankful for that. I think I just about worked myself into having a heart attack because of all the stress, and then the only person I wanted by my side was on the other side of the world and I had no way to even call him. BUT, everything worked out :)

Clinicals started at HMC-W for complex care and I was at Ohana Ola for community clinical. Both were great and I enjoyed them. The next craziness of the semester came around midterms when I had two exams, my epidemiology paper (46 pages by the time I was done) due, and my CT2 (20+ page patient writeup) due. And guess what else...I had to move again. Yup, and the day I moved into the new place, I started looking for a new apartment. I ended up moving 4 times since the end of May. It was fun...NOT. Haha But at the end of October I moved into a great apartment that I love. I feel so at home and I am so happy I am able to give Logan a nice home to come back to.

I started a new job working at an elementary school at the A+ afterschool program. It has been great and I love the kids. It's just a few days a week and is just enough to give us some extra cash each month.

Some pics of the new house. Kitchen....then view from the kitchen into the dining/living room...then the dining room. It has changed a lot since this though!


December and the end of the semester came quick...finals went great! Pulled off all A's this semester and I passed both ATI exams. It was such a relief and it feels so good to have done well all through nursing school. Dad got here the Wednesday before final and is staying until January 17th. We have had fun together!

2009...


Was a year of discovery,
a year of growth, 
a year of change, 
and the year I truly became me. 


For a very long time I was unable to be my own person...simply because I didn't know how to be me without the help of somebody else. And somebody was always there so I was never forced to discover my independence. That changed this year. I had time alone and finally became dependent on me...and me only. 


When Brett died I started writing to him in a journal the very next day. I have saved every single one of those journals. I wrote page after page every day and it only became less frequent when I moved to Hawaii. But, I still wrote. When I was home in January of this year, I sat down one night and read through every single journal entry I had written. It was such a shock to me that what I knew way back then, I just never did anything about it. Sometimes I wonder how different my life would have turned out if I would have listened to myself and my doubts...and that little voice in my head that always said, "Amanda, what are you doing?"


When I read through those journals I came to the realization that I have the power over my own happiness, and that I always have....I just never realized it. 


I also learned to listen to myself. There have been so many times in my life that I have had doubts about something...or someone...and instead of listening, I told myself I was being silly or paranoid. The one person I can always trust...is ME. 


Another thing I learned...don't sweat the small stuff. I used to get upset about the smallest little things. I guess that kind of comes along with high school and that whole "drama" thing but I know A LOT of people that have always made a big deal about even the smallest of things. It makes life stressful and for me...very unhappy. 


Something else...acquaintances come and go....true friends are there forever. I have been blessed with a lot of really amazing people that have remained a constant in my life but I have also had "close friends" come and go. The main thing I have taken away from all of my experiences with the friends I've gained and friends I've lost is to not let other people bring me down. I have to remain true to who I am and not let anyone try to change that or try to bring me down. I think everyone done it to some degree...changes around certain people. And if you're surrounded by the same people all the time, it is easy to get pulled into doing a lot of the same things or acting the same way. I definitely don't think I have ever done it intentionally but reading through those journals, I saw how I slowly changed when I was around certain people. I try to stay conscious of that now...mostly when it comes to negativity and falling into the bad habit of talking bad about others. That isn't who I want to be.


The highlight of my year has been learning to love with my whole heart...loving both myself and somebody else. I have never felt more confident about direction my life is going in. I am about to be married to the most amazing man I have ever met. Thanks to him and his love, I have a smile on my face every single day. 


When Logan and I started getting more serious, both of us said we though 2009 was going to be the best year we've ever had. We were right.