-Update-

So...now for the current times...

I am in Hawaii finishing up my last year of school. Only one more semester to go...graduation in December. CRAZY. Then I will officially be able to put RN behind my name. That's gonna be weird. The 4 1/2 years of school flew by.

This school year has probably been the best since I've been out here. There have been lots of changes in my life since last May and I think this is probably the happiest I have been in a very long time. I'm living in Kailua now, literally only 3 minutes away from campus. It's been EXTREMELY convenient. Plus, I'm living in a 5 bedroom and 5 bathroom house with some awesome roommates. They're great...plus I think my tolerance for noise and people over and a messy house has gone up! But I love it here, my room is great and I have my own bathroom. There's a huge kitchen, huge yard, and a pool in the backyard. But...unfortunately the house is being torn down in July so we have to be out the end of June. I'm not sure where I'm going after that...

An update on school and life after school...
All I have left is critical care and community nursing. Already finished fundamentals, med-surg I and II, mental health, OB, and pediatrics. I'm excited to be done, a little scared, but I'm still excited. I'll graduate in December, the actual graduation ceremony is beginning of January...I'll take NCLEX and pass the first time :) in January...then I'm off to OBC (I think?) in March. I'm going to be in the army nurse corps for 3 years and then 5 years inactive reserves after that. And in exchange...I'm getting every single dime of my student loans paid off, great training, most likely a deployment where I'll gain nursing experience that a lot of nurses will never be able to get...and I'll be moving to who knows where! Most likely I'll be going to San Antonio for my first year of training and then I have no idea what will happen. It's kind of exciting not knowing. :)

But finals finish next Tuesday. I have 5 more exams between now and then. And Tuesday my mom will be here! Until the 10th. It should be fun...I haven't seen her since January. Then I'm off to Vegas the 12th - 20th...I can't wait to see my nephew and of course the best friend! It should be fun :)

After the 20th I'll be back in Hawaii to enjoy my last summer here with no school to worry about and just a part time job. I'm starting back up at Sun Splash (the tanning salon) working just a few shifts a week. I was going to try and get a job at the hospital as a CNA but then I realized that I really really dislike CNA work. So...why put myself through it? I decided I'd rather have something social and more relaxed. Logan gets back the 20th too, I can't wait. He's been gone since the end of February. In other words....WAY too long. He's the new Mr. Wonderful in my life. for anyone that does know Always puts a smile on my face and I'm loving it :)

This summer should be great. I don't think I'll be going home this summer...things are...different there. Not sure if I really feel like going home to it. I guess we'll see what happens. But I'm happy...definitely loving life...and am the happiest I've been in a very long time.

The first two are from last semester sometime. I finished this 3rd one lastnight....I drew it for Logan. It's so crazy because I used to draw all the time and then stopped for a lot of years. I actually kind of forgot that I enjoyed it. These are just doodles...plus a lot of symbolism in there that probably only Logan would understand.

March 29, 2009

I've been thinking a lot lately about how lucky I am to have the life that I do. I have so many amazing people in my life and have seen and done some amazing things. This is just the beginning of a very looooong list of things and people I love and why...dreams...goals...thoughts...and anything else I feel like writing at the moment. Everyone can use a reminder about why to smile when they're feeling down right? Well this is going to be mine.

"Stay strong through the struggle, that's what life is about
When life brings trouble
You can fight or run away
I have no struggle
Relax and watch me float away
I'm coastin'
I'm coastin on a dream"


Every day I am sent an e-mail with a "daily thought." I wake up every morning and before I even get out of bed... I check my mail on my phone and read it. It gives me something to think about during the day and on a few occasions it has even saved me from...well...it has just saved me. No need for details. It's made me open up my eyes and think about the bigger picture.



"Nothing is as real as a dream. The world can change around you, but your dream will not. Responsibilities need not erase it. Duties need not obscure it. Because the dream is within you, no one can take it away."
-Tom Clancy

I have a lot of dreams and the one person in my life that has ALWAYS encouraged me to dream and go after what I want has been my dad. He is the most amazing human being I have ever met and I love him more than life itself. Dreaming is what keeps me alive. I will never give up. Ever.

"There is nothing we cannot live down, rise above, and overcome."
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Everybody in life has experienced different things...good things, bad things, absolutely amazing things. Everyone responds differently to events in life and everyone has the right to do so. Life experiences shape the person you are. It's easy to get caught up in sadness and pain but no matter what happens to me, I always want to remember that I am blessed.

I've been lied to, I've been betrayed, I've done things I'm not proud of, I've lost people I love...everybody has. That's called life. And I love life. I am ok and I will always be ok. No matter what. At least that is what I am going to believe. If I believe that it is true then it is.

"Life is what we make it. Always has been, always will be."
-Grandma Moses


"When we truly care for ourselves, it becomes possible to care far more profoundly about other people. The more alert and sensitive we are to our own needs, the more loving and generous we can be towards others."
-Eda Le Shan

I think I've neglected myself for a long time and I'm slowly learning to love the person I am becoming. I am learning so much every day and I have so many people to thank for that. For the past 6 years I have focused on other peoples problems instead of on my own...I was scared to face the world alone and face my fears. I still get scared and I am still weak in a lot of situations but I'm surviving. I will always survive. There is no space in my life for failure. It just won't happen. I promise :)

I want to love and I want to make people happy....and in return I will be happy. I have seen just how true this quote is in the last few months and have seen that love and acceptance of self is the first step in loving others.

------------------------------------------------------------------
-Random Thoughts-

I want to dance in the rain.

I want the kind of love that never fades away. I dream of being next to my hubby after 50 years and being able to remember exactly why I fell in love with him every time I look into his eyes. I want the kind of love that grows stronger each minute I spend with that person. I don't ever want the happiness to fade away. Is that possible?

I don't like selfish relationships. I love having the desire to make people happy and see them smile. I want to be spoiled just as much as I want to spoil somebody else. It's an amazing feeling...really...everyone should try and find that person that makes them feel that way. I'm lucky enough to have a few of them in my life!

I don't want to hurt people I love anymore....one person in particular...I have hurt him intentionally in some ways and unintentionally in others. Him and I are two different people and unfortunately we don't have each other anymore. As much as it hurts me to have lost one of my best friends and the person who understood me more than anyone else ever has...I will let him be. I have seen the pain I have caused him and it has broken my heart. I love him and want nothing but happiness for him. Unfortunately, giving him the happiness he deserves means I losing somebody I care deeply about. I wish things could be different...maybe they will be someday. Who knows? But for now I will let him move on and discover the person he is without me.


--------------------------------------------
"So here I sit back at square one
memories so upside down what the hell have i done
theres a time and place for this but now its time to run

its time to get out of this giant hole
time to change everything Ill ever know
run run run time to get up and go

now Im sitting at the two paths
no time to decide which one to take
so now my decision is to make my own and go straight

turn them upside down memories right side up
make my own decisions so now their not so abrupt
straighten my head a little bit so the memories arent so corrupt

my life is now my life there is no us
who knows what is near in the future now I have no rush
we'll see where that straight path takes me I think it is a must

throws those upside down memories away for good
get rid of all the garbage like I know I should

no more friendship no more memories no more pain no more trust
so this is goodbye to all of the past and future memories that we'll never see from us"
------------------------------------------
The timing of when this was sent to me from him was horrible because so many other things were also going on but since then I have been able to understand why he's saying the things he is and doing the things he's doing. He referred to me as the angel with the broken halo...not gonna lie...that didn't make me feel very good. But I know he is hurting and I know it is because of me. I don't want to make him hurt anymore. I want his heart to heal so he is able to find love again someday. He deserves it.

Thank you for everything you have done for me. I love you and I always will. Forever and ever :)
----------------------------------------

March 29 -- 9 p.m.

I feel absolutely amazing right now. I never want the feeling to go away. I love the excitement of newness. Ahhh all smiles :)

------------------------------------------------------

A friend just gave me the best feeling in the world. He asked me how I was so happy and after I responded...he told me he actually wrote part of it down because he liked my response so much. He said "seriously though what you said is so right.. i think i like it so much
because i have been negative for the past like, 3 to 5 months. its a
total paradigm shift in my thought process."

That makes me feel on top of the world. :)

--------------------------

It's
not always easy and I'm not always happy but I try to be. Attitude
changes everything. I turned into a really negative person for awhile
and now I try to stay positive and distance myself from the people that
are negative and bring me down

It's just something I had to do because I was always so down and out...I didn't want to be that way anymore.

It's all about taking care of yourself and what you need. Obviously if
you're unahppy then something needs to happen to change that. And the
only person that knows how to do that is yourself. Ya know? I spent so
much time trying to make sure other people weren't upset and gave up
things i knew I needed just so I didn't make anyone upset.

It's
just crazy because taking caring of yourself and doing what you need to
do to make sure you're happy makes it sooooooo much easier to make
other people happy. It's not even a struggle anymore.

It's
not easy to balance....but anyone that cares about you should
understand why you do those things. Maybe not right away but eventually
they'll get it.

March 16, 2009

Rambles

When I was 15...my life changed forever. The day my best friend left me was the day I felt like I would never be ok. It's also the day I was able to see who loved me. So many people held me up when I felt like I couldn't make it on my own. I think my parents were scared...who wouldn't be if their 15 year old daughter was in a car accident and her best friend was killed. No matter how old you are or how stable you are or happy you are...nobody is ever ready to face something like that. I think the things I saw that day will be the worst thing I will ever see in my entire life. At least I hope so. He was wearing my "You Can" bracelet. I think that symbolized something...I feel like in some wierd and twisted way I was being told that the wreck happened for a reason, I was meant to see what I saw and experience what I did. He was telling me that I can...get through this, become a stronger person.

What happened was supposed to shape me into the person I am meant to be in this world. I was angry for a really long time, angry because such an amazing human being was robbed of the rest of his life for no reason. That was the day I truly doubted God, and if there was God, I didn't like him. In fact I hated him. I thought he was selfish and didn't care about any of us left behind when Brett died. I was also really angry with myself...I hated myself for awhile. I felt guilty about the way I had treated him in the past few months, and I was upset that I wasn't able to tell him I loved him. There was something amazing about him. He had this way of making me more angry and frustrated than anyone else ever could. We fought and argued a lot...but the wierd thing is...the next day it was like nothing had every happened. We had this understanding about each other than nobody else would ever get. I don't even know how to explain it. The night it happened I didn't cry. It's like there was nothing inside of me. It's like I was in another world...dreaming or something. It's hard to explain. The next morning I woke up and it still didn't seem real but the tears started. And they didn't stop for a long time.

A lot has happened since then and I feel like I am a completely different person from who I was before. I felt so completely lost and lonely and ended up doing a lot of things that I didn't really believe in doing. It wasn't who I really was but for some reason I did it anyways. I started lying to my parents and broke a promise I made to my parents and to myself. This is the first time since the day he left me that I feel like I'm becoming myself. For a long time I've pretended to be happy and pretended I've had my head straight but I don't think I ever really did. And who knows...maybe I don't now either. I'd like to say I don't regret anything in my life...but if I said that I would be lying. I'm happy with where I am not but I think my life could have been a lot different if I would have don't things different. I was reading my journal from high school and I saw all the doubts I had even back then...and I still spent the next 4 years in something I didn't want to be in. Somehow I convinced myself I was happy and I really believed it, but I stayed because I was scared to be alone...and scared for him to be alone. It's crazy how your own mind can play tricks on you. How you can convince yourself the even the untruest of all untrue things...is true. I'm starting to open myself up more to people.

A lot of times it makes me feel uncomfortable and I'm absolutely terrified of losing people I love...but I don't want to close myself off to the world forever. There are a lot of people that I think can enrich my life, and hopefully I can enrich their's. I want that to happen and the only way it will is to open myself up. I think I'm finally seeing who I am...and becoming the person I want to be. I don't want to hurt people. I want to be honest and truthful in the things I do, and if I mess up, I want to be able to say so. I want to love people, and I want them to love me back. I have a hard time being honest with the things I'm feeling sometimes, it's like I'm scared of something. I'm starting to realize there is nothing to be scared of. But sometimes I still don't trust myself. I feel like some of the things I feel are not real, like I'm feeling it for all the wrong reasons. If that makes any sense.

I'm learning that the people worth keeping in your life are the ones that challenge you to be a better person. I think when you find somebody that makes you think, makes you question things, and makes you change in ways you thought you never would...they're somebody special. I'm starting to see the difference between keeping somebody in my life because I need them and keeping them in my life because they need me. I don't ever want to give up who I am and who I want to be just because I feel responsible for what somebody might become without me. I want to help people...but there's only so much I can do if they don't want to help themselves. Some people just have to learn on their own. I think we all have the ability to write our own life story. Ya things happen that we don't expect...but we're the ones in control of how we react to it. It's so easy to blame the things in our life on other people or other things...but if we take responsibility for our own lives...things can be so much different. It allows us to be in control instead of letting something else dictate how we live. Of course it's much easier to say than do...but recognizing it is the first step. Trying is better than nothing at all right?

If we accept things and figure out ways to move past it, we open ourselves up to so many more possibilities. Dwelling on things puts our lives on hold. And who has time for that? Last week I made myself a promise. I am never going to settle for anything less that what I feel like I deserve. There are certain things I want out of my life and I will not give that up for anything...or anyone. For those of you that read this...please tell me if you ever feel like I'm not living up to that. Sometimes I don't think clearly...and sometimes I might forget. So please be honest with me and if you feel like I'm doing something I shouldn't, I want to know.

Life is amazing and I am so blessed to have the things that I do. Sometimes I forget...sometimes I get down in the dumps and don't understand why. I think life is an amazing thing that I will never understand. Maybe that's the beauty of it. Nobody ever really knows what is going to happen, or why things happen. But I love it.

I am transferring over all my old blog entries from myspace because I'm deleting my account on there. So...this is something I did February 12, 2009. I haven't re-read it since but I'm planning on answering the same questions again soon and then read to see how things have changed. Should be interesting...

February 12, 2009

15 Questions to Discover Your Life Purpose

The following are a list of questions that can assist you in discovering your purpose. They are meant as a guide to help you get into a frame of mind that will be conducive to defining your personal mission.

1. What makes you smile?
My nephew has made me see the innocence of life and no matter what he's doing I am smiling. I never knew it was possible to love somebody so much. I love sitting at the top of a mountain after a long hike and taking in the beauty. Some of the youtube videos make me burst out laughing when I just think about watching them. When I think about him loving me it makes me smile...and I smile even more when I think about loving him back. The way I feel after kickboxing or a hard workout is amazing. I smile every time my phone rings and it says "Jonah" on the caller ID. My dad makes me smile when I think about all the fun things we have done and all the amazing things he has taught me. Other things that make me smile: compliments on my drawings, when people ask if I've lost weight, when I get a good grade on an exam, when I think about having children someday, sitting on Lanikai beach soaking up the sunshine, good friends, running (after I'm done), a fun night out with the girls, good music, deep conversations about dreams and life aspirations, when my stomach doesn't hurt, when my mom and I are getting along, thinking about my grandpa, my niece (when I still saw her), genuinely nice people, doing something nice for somebody, interesting conversations with total strangers, family, flowers, rainbows, waterfalls on the Ko'olau's after a big rainstorm, beautiful sunsets, the moon....the list goes on.

2. What are your favorite things to do in the past?
What about now?I used to love spending hours in the sunshine...now I don't. I used to laugh when I saw people doing mean things...now I hate it. I used to love spending most nights in watching movies or relaxing...now I just get bored. I used to love doing anything as long as I was with him...now I need to be entertained. I used to love snowboarding...now I don't. Snowmobiling has always been fun. I used to hate being around little kids...now I love every second of it. I loved driving...now I'd rather ditch the car and ride a bike. I liked riding 4-wheelers...now they freak me out. I used to write poems...now I can't write one no matter how hard I try. In high school I couldn't wait to get drunk on the weekends...now I'd rather not. I used to love sleepovers...now I just love my own bed all to myself. My favorite thing of all time has always been the camping trip....always will be. 3. What activities make you lose track of time?My doodles...reading a good book...writing down all my thoughts and listening to some good tunes...talking to my best friends...homework...walking down the beach...writing the letters to people I never send...deep conversations with my mom...reading quotes and poetry and song lyrics...looking through old picture albums...listening to music....good conversation with...anyone really.

4. What makes you feel great about yourself?
Knowing that I'm going to have a 4 year degree when I'm 22 years old...helping people...making people laugh...learning new things at clinical...friends thanking me for being a good friend...people coming to me for advice...eating healthy...motivating others to do the things they want to do but are too scared to do without a little push...(This section was harder to fill in)

5. Who inspires you most? Which qualities inspire you, in each person?
Dad -- He's authoritative without being threatening or unreasonable. He never raises his voice or puts you down even when he's angry or thinks you're the biggest idiot in the world. He listens to all sides before forming an opinion. He tries to not talk bad about people and has an overal positive attitude about life. He has let me make my own mistakes and learn from them instead of telling me I'm doing the wrong thing. He is always there when somebody needs him...puts others needs in front of his own...and is always willing to help people out...even if they aren't very deserving of it.
Christina -- Happily married, amazing mother of two, and a full time student. Talk about hard work and dedication.Dave -- He's like a big teddy bear for anyone that needs a hug. He has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met and is an amazing person. His love for others and love for life shows every day. He's been through a lot of really hard times in his life and still puts a smile on his face.

6. What are you naturally good at?
Umm...ya this question has me stumped. Nothing comes to mind....school I guess?

7. What do people typically ask you for help in?
School...or health questions/problems...advice on guys/relationships.

8. If you had to teach something, what would you teach?
Ewww...I don't know. Teaching doesn't sound like much fun. I'd probably want to teach a kindergarten class because the kids would be fun. Or a P.E. class...I would love that.


9. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life?
Not having a family of my own...not loving with all of my heart....letting my fear hold me back from amazing opportunities...not letting the people I love in my life know that I love them and appreciate them...not eskydiving whenever I have the chance...not having enough nights out with amazing friends... Mostly I would regret living a boring life, being sucked into the routine of my everyday schedule. It's way too easy to get stuck in a rutt of boringness within your comfort zone. It's much easier said than done but I want to challenge myself, know that I did things that made me feel uncomfortable...I want to take advantage of great opportunities that come my way instead of turning them down out of fear. I don't want to be saying I wish I would have...


10. You are now 90 years old, sitting on a rocking chair outside your porch; you can feel the spring breeze gently brushing against your face. You are blissful and happy, and are pleased with the wonderful life you’ve been blessed with. Looking back at your life and all that you’ve achieved and acquired, all the relationships you’ve developed; what matters to you most? List them out.
My children...husband...grandchildren...(family)...knowing I have been true to myself and who I am...

11. What are your deepest values?
Integrity...Passion...Independence...Health

12. What were some challenges, difficulties and hardships you’ve overcome or are in the process of overcoming? How did you do it?
Losing my best friend. It's still a struggle...just not every day. I don't know how I have gotten to the point I am at today, I guess time heals right? I've been left with an intense fear of losing people I love and as a result I pull away as soon as I start to get close to somebody. It's easier to lose them now instead of 2 or 3 or 10 years down the road. Opening up to people is easy at first and then I close off again...the second I feel myself letting my secrets out. I trust few and I don't let anyone see all the skeletons in my closet. I am scared to death of driving on anything but dry asphalt and hitting snow or gravel brings instant tears to my eyes. The anxiety is actually getting worse and has impacted the things I do. There were 3 times this winter I turned down an invitation to go snowboarding because I was too scared to drive/ride on the snowy roads. Just the thought of losing someone I'm close to paralyzes me...all I can do is cry...and I start to second guess anything and everyone in my life. I question my purpose in life and all the relationships I have. I pull away from some of the people that care about me most but I don't know how to stop.

13. What causes do you strongly believe in? Connect with?
I don't really connect with anything in particular but I have a passion for helping people. My dream has always been to work as a volunteer nurse in Africa but I don't know how to make that possible. Someday I will :) My volunteer abroad this summer in Costa Rica was absolutely amazing and I would love to do more of this. I think the Peace Corps is a great organization that does a lot of really wonderful things for a lot of really deserving people. I think there are a lot of amazing and interesting people out there in this world and I would like to meet and help as many of them as possible.

14. If you could get a message across to a large group of people. Who would those people be? What would your message be?
I would want to talk to anyone and everyone. The message would be the importance of a positive attitude and the ways in which we shape are able to shape our lives. Talking bad about others or negative about our lives or other people's lives accomplishes nothing. Placing blame on others does nothing but waste time in solving whatever the problem may be. Life is hard...life is complicated and extremely unfair sometimes but we are all strong individuals that can overcome anything. What's done is done and there is no going back. Focus on the present and the future and things can and will turn around if you try to stay positive. Honesty is the key to life...be honest to not only others but to yourself. Be who you are and nothing but that. If you don't like the way things are going, change them...and yes...it is possible. It might not be easy but it is definitely possible. We shape the world with our thoughts and attitude...we can make it beautiful.

15. Who are you?

I am Amanda Marie Gneiting. I am strong and I am able to do anything in this world that I want to do. I am a girl that feels completely lost but more often feel that I am on the right path and know exactly where I want to go. I am happy...I am sad. I am a bit more selfish than I would like to be but am working on it. I don't always practice what I preach but I'm working on that too. I want nothing more than to be a genuinely good person and am also working on that. Sometimes I feel like my life sucks but I know it doesn't even come close to being bad in comparison to other people. I am blessed to have the family and friends that I do and to have had some of the opportunities that I have had. I will make a difference in this world...maybe not a big one but I will make a difference. I can guarantee you that. I am me...quiet...reserved...but I want nothing more than to escape to confines of myself. I have a lot to discover about myself...and life...and the world. Just give me some time...