It's Been Awhile

Time for an update now that I have internet access. Things have been crazy the last few weeks. Nobody was kidding when they said the last semester of nursing school was going to be killer. I moved...last week. and I'm moving again...on Wednesday. It has been nuts but i have managed to keep my sanity somehow. I have my wonderful fiance to thank for that. He does everything he can to help me and I am so thankful for him. 


So the exciting news is we have a place of our own now! A two bedroom, two bath condo in Kailua. I move in this week and am so excited. It will be so nice for Logan to be able to come home to our own space and our own things. 


The wedding plans are on hold for now. I have been way too busy with school. I have the Save the Dates though and will hopefully get them sent out next week Thursday. That might be a little to ambitious though. We'll see what happens. 


Midterm for community is tomorrow...night all. 

Time to Say Goodbye

All this time I was wasting

Hoping you would come around

I've been giving out chances every time

And all you do is let me down

And it's taking me this long

Baby but I figured you out

And you're thinking we'll be fine again

But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can say that you're sorry

But I don't believe you baby

Like I did before

You're not sorry, no, no, no, no

Looking so innocent

I might believe you if I didn't know

Could've loved you all my life

If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets

And I'm tired of being last to know

And now you're asking me to listen

Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry

But I don't believe you baby

Like I did before

You're not sorry, no, no, oh

Sometimes we need to say goodbye...to whatever it is that has been holding us back. So here's to you...here is my goodbye. I finally have the strength to do what I've needed to do for so long. 

-Support-

On Saturday I was given an idea to ponder. What is support? And is my idea of support the same as somebody else's? There are a lot of different types of support...and support changes in certain life situations. So what is my support? 

1. Moral or psychological support.

It has changed a lot throughout my life. Some has been constant but a lot has changed and still is changing. My support is not only people, but music, laughter, nature, a smile, a photograph, memories...

I remember when we lost Brett...the next day my house was filled with flowers from people that I wasn't even that close to. So many people took the time to show me they care and so many of them came to support me at the funeral. Most of them didn't even know Brett. It's all about the little things...a card, a hug, flowers, a presence. Those small things can make all the difference in the world. I will never forget all of those little things and all the people that took the time to care. Sometimes it's the support and love of others that has given me the ability to continue caring for myself. 

Friends have come and gone in my life, but the best of friends have become like sisters to me. Kristi has been a constant in my life since 7th grade. She is my family and I am so thankful I have her in my life. She is my support...part of my backbone...part of what has made me who I am. I love her!

"When you cry be sure to dry your eyes, 'cause better days are sure to come. And when you smile be sure to smile wide. Don't let them know that they have won. And when you walk, walk with pride. Don't show the hurt inside. Because the pain will soon be gone. And when you dream, dream big...as big as the ocean blue. 'Cause when you dream it might come true. So when you dream, dream big. When you laugh be sure to laugh out loud. 'Cause it will carry all your cares away. And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself. And it'll help you feel okay. And when you pray, pray for strength..to help you carry on, when the troubles come your way." - Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband "Dream Big"

Music has a way of healing my heart and soothing my soul. Music makes me think and reflect on my life. Songs like the one above have given me the strength to keep on going. The willpower to wake up each morning with a smile on my face and the belief that today can be a better day...dream big and don't let anything or anyone bring you down. I am the one in control of my life...

2. The activity of providing for or maintaining by supplying necessities or money. 

My parents have always been my rock, my support, my source of love and belonging. They are the reason I am where I am today and have become the person that I am. I was taken care of when I was younger...I ate well, I played well, and I was loved. I was raised having everything I need, and a lot of the things I wanted too. But I was rewarded with a sense of responsibility and respect because I earned what I received. My parents have been my motivation for so many things because I never want to let them down. I want them to be able to look at me and say, "My daughter has become the person I always dreamed she would become." I never could have done any of this without them. 

3. Hold, or physical support.

Man has this changed a lot throughout my life. I will always remember my grandpa's hugs, the night when I was 15 and had to sleep in my parents bed the night of the accident....bear hugs from Uncle Dave...running to my dad when I was little and wrapping my arms around his legs. Lying my head down on my grandma's lap while she spent hours brushing through my hair. Cuddling with my dog when I was younger. The hugs from Jeremy when I didn't want to keep waking up in the mornings without my best friend. My amazing fiance and the way every touch from him gives me butterflies. He holds me and it's like all my problems, fears, stress, tears are forgotten. I feel him even though we are thousands of miles away from one another and he is the reason behind all the happiness that I feel right now. Monk monk helps me to feel close to him...he supports me every night when I fall asleep holding him. 

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Support has been short term and long term. Sometimes a new outfit has supported me on a day that I wasn't feeling confident. A report card or an A on a test has given me support and confirmation that my hard work is paying off. A compliment...a photograph...a journal...a blog...a phone call...Support can be anything. The other night a friend's daughter came and put her arms around me and said, "You are the most prettiest one here. And your dress is beautiful." She made my night and her beautiful smile and the sincerity in what she said made me feel so lucky to be me. 

Ya know...some days are better than others. Some days I feel on top of the world and as though NOTHING could possibly bring me down. Other days I have wondered how I was going to find the strength to get back up. I always try to remember that I am strong, and I have people that believe in me. And because they believe in me, I must believe in myself. I try my hardest not to let anything bring me down, surround myself with positivity. It's not always possible but I try. That's the most important thing...try. 

It's so easy to give up...sometimes that is what is expected by so many people. But the harder route will leave us with a feeling of accomplishment and pride. Give us a new strength that we never knew we had. So challenge yourself and don't always take the easy road. Use those hopeless feelings to make a positive change and turn things around. Let the fear and worry be your motivation to keep on trying. Don't let other's doubts become your own. Prove the world wrong. It feels wonderful :0)

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Everything I've always dreamed of...

My heart beats faster when I think of him. I want to be held in his arms when I am upset, I want to share all my happy times with him and tell him about my day. And I want him to genuinely care. I need to be appreciated and appreciate him just the same. Spoil him to be spoiled back. Neither will give more than take. It is equal. We are equal. No such thing as I love you more and I love you most. I love you equal. Appreciate the small things...an e-mail to say hello, waiting in line for an hour to use the phone, working 12 hours on no sleep and walking the distance to the computer center to get on skype, taking time out of sleep to write in our journal, surprising me with flowers. Missing him like crazy and what song comes on? You're Never Gonna Be Alone. We are with each other every second of every day...body, mind, and spirit. He is who I think about when I am happy, he is who I think about when I am sad. I want to tell him everything. I think of him when I am lying in bed at night...when I am driving and our favorite songs come on. He is who I want to sing with. I yearn for his voice. He gives me butterflies and a 10 minute phone conversation can brighten the darkest of days. He always knows what to say, always knows what it is I need to hear. Sometimes I am scared to forget...forget what it feels like to be in his arms, to hold his hand, to touch his cheek. I remember the good times, I remember the bad and we have overcome everything and come out on top and gained more respect for one another. There is no I...it is we. WE got this...the good stuff...the real thing.

What can burn for many a year? A true love can burn for many a year.

I wear a promise ring...a ring I bought for myself...

A promise to NEVER settle for less. Less that what I need, what I want, and what I deserve. I am not settling and I will never have to because I have found the man of my dreams. The man I love with all of my heart. WE will never settle. He is my forever. I am his forever.

I miss him. I miss his hands and his dimples...his cheeseball smile. I miss his toes and the way his feet feel when they're intertwined with mine. I miss his ears and his lips...and the look on his face when he thinks he did something wrong. I miss dancing with him when there's no music. I miss the way he twirls me when we are walking down the street. I miss his positive attitude and the way he talks to anyone and everyone. I miss his eyes...I miss the way he snores when he's really tired. I miss the noises he makes when he's really relaxed. I miss lying my head on his chest when I fall asleep. I miss him singing to me...and I miss his cooking. I miss everything about him. I miss my otha alf.

 

There are so many little signs that are showing me my life is going in the direction it is supposed to.

I get told all the time that things will change.  "Don't count on things staying this way forever," they say. What do they know? What does anybody know? I'm not counting on things staying the same. I know that is impossible but I have been through a lot of things that people have no idea about. It's funny when I get underestimated...when what I say gets brushed off, after all..what would I know?

Feeling good since talking to Logan yesterday! Anxiety is going down and I am taking this week one day at a time. Level V is all about time management and man oh man is it tough. Spent 7 hours on CT2 so far and I'm only about 1/8 of the way done. It's due Saturday....yikes. But like I said, one day at a time. Things will work out :0) I have faith! Goodnight.

It's just been one of those days...

Always&Forever

Today is going to be a beautiful day. Why? Because I am going to make it one. I have the power to create my own destiny. Bumps in the road are part of life but I choose my response, I choose my next steps, I choose to be happy, or I choose to be upset. Nobody controls me except me. We have so much power in our own life. So today I am taking control. I am making today a wonderful day.

Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

Relax...Deep Breath...REPEAT.


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.in love with my best friend.

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There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other one is as though everything is a miracle.

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Time to Reminisce...

The cuz and me...summer 2005. The summer we were reunited. I love her!

The annual camping trip. Summer 2005.

Night out freshman year!

My grandpa...aka my favorite person in the world. I miss him.

Beach day @ Waikiki freshman year.

Senior trip in Cancun!

What my tattoo is supposed to look like...

Taken right after I got it done, July 2005.

Going for a drive with my Pops.

Never Forget...Best Friends Forever.

 

Whale watch catamaran: Freshman Year

Beautiful Island Park.

Me n' Dirty Dan.

I'm a proud aunty. I love my little Wyatt!

My bestest when she came to visit me in Hawaii.

At DB's December 2007.

My Hero.

Beach night with Ash =]

Drunken nights with the besties.

Homies 4 Life Yo.

Yay for finishing level 3!

Cuzzizzle. May 2008.

My goodbye party @ Christina's...love my Colie and Deegan!

Vegas Trip Summer 2008.

My Garabito girls!

The places we have been, the things we have done, the pain we have endured, the smiles we have smiled, the tears we have cried, the friends we have loved, the fights we have fought, the hills we have climbed, the miles we have walked, the songs we have sang, the love we have shared...

make us who we are. I am so thankful for all the wonderful people in my life and I always want to remember that I have been blessed with an amazing life. I love my family and I love my friends. Thank you all for everything you have done for me and for the good times we have shared.

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring