March 16, 2009

Rambles

When I was 15...my life changed forever. The day my best friend left me was the day I felt like I would never be ok. It's also the day I was able to see who loved me. So many people held me up when I felt like I couldn't make it on my own. I think my parents were scared...who wouldn't be if their 15 year old daughter was in a car accident and her best friend was killed. No matter how old you are or how stable you are or happy you are...nobody is ever ready to face something like that. I think the things I saw that day will be the worst thing I will ever see in my entire life. At least I hope so. He was wearing my "You Can" bracelet. I think that symbolized something...I feel like in some wierd and twisted way I was being told that the wreck happened for a reason, I was meant to see what I saw and experience what I did. He was telling me that I can...get through this, become a stronger person.

What happened was supposed to shape me into the person I am meant to be in this world. I was angry for a really long time, angry because such an amazing human being was robbed of the rest of his life for no reason. That was the day I truly doubted God, and if there was God, I didn't like him. In fact I hated him. I thought he was selfish and didn't care about any of us left behind when Brett died. I was also really angry with myself...I hated myself for awhile. I felt guilty about the way I had treated him in the past few months, and I was upset that I wasn't able to tell him I loved him. There was something amazing about him. He had this way of making me more angry and frustrated than anyone else ever could. We fought and argued a lot...but the wierd thing is...the next day it was like nothing had every happened. We had this understanding about each other than nobody else would ever get. I don't even know how to explain it. The night it happened I didn't cry. It's like there was nothing inside of me. It's like I was in another world...dreaming or something. It's hard to explain. The next morning I woke up and it still didn't seem real but the tears started. And they didn't stop for a long time.

A lot has happened since then and I feel like I am a completely different person from who I was before. I felt so completely lost and lonely and ended up doing a lot of things that I didn't really believe in doing. It wasn't who I really was but for some reason I did it anyways. I started lying to my parents and broke a promise I made to my parents and to myself. This is the first time since the day he left me that I feel like I'm becoming myself. For a long time I've pretended to be happy and pretended I've had my head straight but I don't think I ever really did. And who knows...maybe I don't now either. I'd like to say I don't regret anything in my life...but if I said that I would be lying. I'm happy with where I am not but I think my life could have been a lot different if I would have don't things different. I was reading my journal from high school and I saw all the doubts I had even back then...and I still spent the next 4 years in something I didn't want to be in. Somehow I convinced myself I was happy and I really believed it, but I stayed because I was scared to be alone...and scared for him to be alone. It's crazy how your own mind can play tricks on you. How you can convince yourself the even the untruest of all untrue things...is true. I'm starting to open myself up more to people.

A lot of times it makes me feel uncomfortable and I'm absolutely terrified of losing people I love...but I don't want to close myself off to the world forever. There are a lot of people that I think can enrich my life, and hopefully I can enrich their's. I want that to happen and the only way it will is to open myself up. I think I'm finally seeing who I am...and becoming the person I want to be. I don't want to hurt people. I want to be honest and truthful in the things I do, and if I mess up, I want to be able to say so. I want to love people, and I want them to love me back. I have a hard time being honest with the things I'm feeling sometimes, it's like I'm scared of something. I'm starting to realize there is nothing to be scared of. But sometimes I still don't trust myself. I feel like some of the things I feel are not real, like I'm feeling it for all the wrong reasons. If that makes any sense.

I'm learning that the people worth keeping in your life are the ones that challenge you to be a better person. I think when you find somebody that makes you think, makes you question things, and makes you change in ways you thought you never would...they're somebody special. I'm starting to see the difference between keeping somebody in my life because I need them and keeping them in my life because they need me. I don't ever want to give up who I am and who I want to be just because I feel responsible for what somebody might become without me. I want to help people...but there's only so much I can do if they don't want to help themselves. Some people just have to learn on their own. I think we all have the ability to write our own life story. Ya things happen that we don't expect...but we're the ones in control of how we react to it. It's so easy to blame the things in our life on other people or other things...but if we take responsibility for our own lives...things can be so much different. It allows us to be in control instead of letting something else dictate how we live. Of course it's much easier to say than do...but recognizing it is the first step. Trying is better than nothing at all right?

If we accept things and figure out ways to move past it, we open ourselves up to so many more possibilities. Dwelling on things puts our lives on hold. And who has time for that? Last week I made myself a promise. I am never going to settle for anything less that what I feel like I deserve. There are certain things I want out of my life and I will not give that up for anything...or anyone. For those of you that read this...please tell me if you ever feel like I'm not living up to that. Sometimes I don't think clearly...and sometimes I might forget. So please be honest with me and if you feel like I'm doing something I shouldn't, I want to know.

Life is amazing and I am so blessed to have the things that I do. Sometimes I forget...sometimes I get down in the dumps and don't understand why. I think life is an amazing thing that I will never understand. Maybe that's the beauty of it. Nobody ever really knows what is going to happen, or why things happen. But I love it.