Something to think about:

A new study shows that 80 percent of our conversations involve talking about other people.

Goodbye Facebook :) I don't know who noticed but I suspended my account for awhile. I decided I have other things I can be doing instead of being on there.

I haven't written for awhile...I'm not really sure why. A lot has been going on and things are changing...as always. Only two more lectures and two final exams until I'm done with my first degree. Yes...first :) I definitely have plans of going back for more. I already miss it and I'm not even done yet.


I'll write more soon...thinking up a good one in my brain. Night all.

Night Out!

New Friends & Good Times

Rizza & Feasby

Nursing Students!

Best Friends - Ben & Weber

Kai, Ben, Me, Weber, Rizza, John

Ben & I

Me, Casey, and Stacey

At Ocean's

Me, Ashley, D, and Stacey

Homes 4 Life...Love u Weber!

...Rewind, Pause, Stop, Play, Fast Forward...

Don't lose today by thinking about yesterdays or tomorrows. There is one day and that is TODAY.


Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in the past or the future...always wishing it were a different day than what it is. I've been doing that a lot lately because of the craziness of school and with the love of my life being gone. But I always try to remind myself that today is another day that I will never get back.




Rewind


I always think about regrets. So many people say, "I have no regrets." I wonder how truthful that is. If they truly mean it then I think that's great. Sometimes I think I have said it just to say it. I do understand that everything that has happened in my life has made me who I am today. I definitely believe that but just because I know it's true, doesn't mean I don't regret anything.
If you were given the chance to go back and change something in your life, would you? Would you take back something you said? Change something you did? The way you treated someone? A decision you made?
I would. I wonder how much changing even the smallest of things in the past can alter the present. Hmm...
Other things I wouldn't change for anything! I have had so much fun and spent time with so many great people that I would love hit the rewind button and do the same thing all over again. Wouldn't that be nice? We could have a rewind button for life...go back to a fun party, or a great Christmas from when we were three years old. I would want to relive a lot of really great moments that I've had and spend time with some of the people I have loved most in my life.


Pause


Sometimes life can be so overwhelming that all we want to do is push the pause button so we have time to take a deep breath. Have you heard that song by Darryl Worley, Sounds Like Life to Me?
"I said hey man, what's going on? He said...I don't know where to start. Sarah's old car's about to fall apart and the washer quit last week. We had to put momma in the nursing home and the baby's cutting teeth. I didn't get much work this week and I got bills to pay. I said I know this ain't what you wanna hear but it's what I'm gonna say: Sounds like life to me, it ain't no fantasy. It's just a common case of everyday reality. Man I know it's tough, but you just gotta suck it up. Sounds like life to me, plain old destiny. Yeah the only thing for certain is uncertainty. You gotta hold on tight, just enjoy the ride. Get used to all this unpredictability. Sounds like life to me."
I think that song says it all. There have been so many times that I have felt on the verge of a breakdown because life just keeps throwing obstacles at me or insists on speeding up when all I feel like doing is slowing down. My dad always says, "That's life Gee...that's what makes you who you are. It's just that some people get more obstacles thrown at them than others." Whenever I think about a pause button for life I think of my dad. Life isn't supposed to be easy and nobody ever said it would be. Once the craziness settles or the crisis passes...doesn't it feel good to sit back and be able to say, "I made it"?



Stop


Ever felt like giving up? Like you don't even want to try anymore? I have. Exhaustion and overwhelming emotions can really take it out of you. But you know what? Things can't stop...won't stop...and in reality, I would never ever want them to. Life is crazy with a whole lot of ups and a whole lot of downs. Sometimes things are great, sometimes things are horrible. But no matter what is going on...somebody else has had it worse and survived it. A shift in attitude can make all the difference in the world. Unselfish thinking can do wonders. It's just not always easy. If it were...then what would remind us to be thankful for the great things in our lives? 


Fast Forward


Wishing for a fast forward button feels like the only thing I've been doing since July. My other half is gone...school is crazy and I am so close to graduation...our wedding is next year...I just have so many wonderful things in my future. When a day is hard, or exhaustion sets in...I say to myself, "I just wish it was two weeks from now and then everything will calm down and I can take a breath." But guess what. When I finally got to that point I was only wishing to fast forward to next two weeks. It's a cycle that never ends unless we put a stop to it. And I have finally done that and it feels so good. Looking back...I have loved doing everything that I have done. The craziness of my 46 page epidemiology paper, the three months without Logan, the three times I've moved since September, the first half of my last semester of school, 8 days of complex clinical, even more days of community, presentations, midterms...all of it...has been wonderful. I have grown so much this past year that it amazes me. I can honestly say I have never ever been this happy before. I love my past, I love the present, and I am so excited about my future. So guess what. I am going to wake up and put a smile on my face every single morning and say..."Today is going to be a great day." Because it will be if I make it one. No more wishing for a fast forward button. I will appreciate each and every day that I am blessed with. 


Life is beautiful and I am a very lucky girl. 


Play


Play is constant, whether we want it to be or not. Play is what is natural...it's what forces us to wake up every day, put a smile on our face, and keep on going! And I love it. Every second of it. Ups, downs, and turn arounds....I am blessed!

It's Been Awhile

Time for an update now that I have internet access. Things have been crazy the last few weeks. Nobody was kidding when they said the last semester of nursing school was going to be killer. I moved...last week. and I'm moving again...on Wednesday. It has been nuts but i have managed to keep my sanity somehow. I have my wonderful fiance to thank for that. He does everything he can to help me and I am so thankful for him. 


So the exciting news is we have a place of our own now! A two bedroom, two bath condo in Kailua. I move in this week and am so excited. It will be so nice for Logan to be able to come home to our own space and our own things. 


The wedding plans are on hold for now. I have been way too busy with school. I have the Save the Dates though and will hopefully get them sent out next week Thursday. That might be a little to ambitious though. We'll see what happens. 


Midterm for community is tomorrow...night all. 

Time to Say Goodbye

All this time I was wasting

Hoping you would come around

I've been giving out chances every time

And all you do is let me down

And it's taking me this long

Baby but I figured you out

And you're thinking we'll be fine again

But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can say that you're sorry

But I don't believe you baby

Like I did before

You're not sorry, no, no, no, no

Looking so innocent

I might believe you if I didn't know

Could've loved you all my life

If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets

And I'm tired of being last to know

And now you're asking me to listen

Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore

I won't pick up the phone

This is the last straw

Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry

But I don't believe you baby

Like I did before

You're not sorry, no, no, oh

Sometimes we need to say goodbye...to whatever it is that has been holding us back. So here's to you...here is my goodbye. I finally have the strength to do what I've needed to do for so long. 

-Support-

On Saturday I was given an idea to ponder. What is support? And is my idea of support the same as somebody else's? There are a lot of different types of support...and support changes in certain life situations. So what is my support? 

1. Moral or psychological support.

It has changed a lot throughout my life. Some has been constant but a lot has changed and still is changing. My support is not only people, but music, laughter, nature, a smile, a photograph, memories...

I remember when we lost Brett...the next day my house was filled with flowers from people that I wasn't even that close to. So many people took the time to show me they care and so many of them came to support me at the funeral. Most of them didn't even know Brett. It's all about the little things...a card, a hug, flowers, a presence. Those small things can make all the difference in the world. I will never forget all of those little things and all the people that took the time to care. Sometimes it's the support and love of others that has given me the ability to continue caring for myself. 

Friends have come and gone in my life, but the best of friends have become like sisters to me. Kristi has been a constant in my life since 7th grade. She is my family and I am so thankful I have her in my life. She is my support...part of my backbone...part of what has made me who I am. I love her!

"When you cry be sure to dry your eyes, 'cause better days are sure to come. And when you smile be sure to smile wide. Don't let them know that they have won. And when you walk, walk with pride. Don't show the hurt inside. Because the pain will soon be gone. And when you dream, dream big...as big as the ocean blue. 'Cause when you dream it might come true. So when you dream, dream big. When you laugh be sure to laugh out loud. 'Cause it will carry all your cares away. And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself. And it'll help you feel okay. And when you pray, pray for strength..to help you carry on, when the troubles come your way." - Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband "Dream Big"

Music has a way of healing my heart and soothing my soul. Music makes me think and reflect on my life. Songs like the one above have given me the strength to keep on going. The willpower to wake up each morning with a smile on my face and the belief that today can be a better day...dream big and don't let anything or anyone bring you down. I am the one in control of my life...

2. The activity of providing for or maintaining by supplying necessities or money. 

My parents have always been my rock, my support, my source of love and belonging. They are the reason I am where I am today and have become the person that I am. I was taken care of when I was younger...I ate well, I played well, and I was loved. I was raised having everything I need, and a lot of the things I wanted too. But I was rewarded with a sense of responsibility and respect because I earned what I received. My parents have been my motivation for so many things because I never want to let them down. I want them to be able to look at me and say, "My daughter has become the person I always dreamed she would become." I never could have done any of this without them. 

3. Hold, or physical support.

Man has this changed a lot throughout my life. I will always remember my grandpa's hugs, the night when I was 15 and had to sleep in my parents bed the night of the accident....bear hugs from Uncle Dave...running to my dad when I was little and wrapping my arms around his legs. Lying my head down on my grandma's lap while she spent hours brushing through my hair. Cuddling with my dog when I was younger. The hugs from Jeremy when I didn't want to keep waking up in the mornings without my best friend. My amazing fiance and the way every touch from him gives me butterflies. He holds me and it's like all my problems, fears, stress, tears are forgotten. I feel him even though we are thousands of miles away from one another and he is the reason behind all the happiness that I feel right now. Monk monk helps me to feel close to him...he supports me every night when I fall asleep holding him. 

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Support has been short term and long term. Sometimes a new outfit has supported me on a day that I wasn't feeling confident. A report card or an A on a test has given me support and confirmation that my hard work is paying off. A compliment...a photograph...a journal...a blog...a phone call...Support can be anything. The other night a friend's daughter came and put her arms around me and said, "You are the most prettiest one here. And your dress is beautiful." She made my night and her beautiful smile and the sincerity in what she said made me feel so lucky to be me. 

Ya know...some days are better than others. Some days I feel on top of the world and as though NOTHING could possibly bring me down. Other days I have wondered how I was going to find the strength to get back up. I always try to remember that I am strong, and I have people that believe in me. And because they believe in me, I must believe in myself. I try my hardest not to let anything bring me down, surround myself with positivity. It's not always possible but I try. That's the most important thing...try. 

It's so easy to give up...sometimes that is what is expected by so many people. But the harder route will leave us with a feeling of accomplishment and pride. Give us a new strength that we never knew we had. So challenge yourself and don't always take the easy road. Use those hopeless feelings to make a positive change and turn things around. Let the fear and worry be your motivation to keep on trying. Don't let other's doubts become your own. Prove the world wrong. It feels wonderful :0)

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Everything I've always dreamed of...

My heart beats faster when I think of him. I want to be held in his arms when I am upset, I want to share all my happy times with him and tell him about my day. And I want him to genuinely care. I need to be appreciated and appreciate him just the same. Spoil him to be spoiled back. Neither will give more than take. It is equal. We are equal. No such thing as I love you more and I love you most. I love you equal. Appreciate the small things...an e-mail to say hello, waiting in line for an hour to use the phone, working 12 hours on no sleep and walking the distance to the computer center to get on skype, taking time out of sleep to write in our journal, surprising me with flowers. Missing him like crazy and what song comes on? You're Never Gonna Be Alone. We are with each other every second of every day...body, mind, and spirit. He is who I think about when I am happy, he is who I think about when I am sad. I want to tell him everything. I think of him when I am lying in bed at night...when I am driving and our favorite songs come on. He is who I want to sing with. I yearn for his voice. He gives me butterflies and a 10 minute phone conversation can brighten the darkest of days. He always knows what to say, always knows what it is I need to hear. Sometimes I am scared to forget...forget what it feels like to be in his arms, to hold his hand, to touch his cheek. I remember the good times, I remember the bad and we have overcome everything and come out on top and gained more respect for one another. There is no I...it is we. WE got this...the good stuff...the real thing.

What can burn for many a year? A true love can burn for many a year.

I wear a promise ring...a ring I bought for myself...

A promise to NEVER settle for less. Less that what I need, what I want, and what I deserve. I am not settling and I will never have to because I have found the man of my dreams. The man I love with all of my heart. WE will never settle. He is my forever. I am his forever.

I miss him. I miss his hands and his dimples...his cheeseball smile. I miss his toes and the way his feet feel when they're intertwined with mine. I miss his ears and his lips...and the look on his face when he thinks he did something wrong. I miss dancing with him when there's no music. I miss the way he twirls me when we are walking down the street. I miss his positive attitude and the way he talks to anyone and everyone. I miss his eyes...I miss the way he snores when he's really tired. I miss the noises he makes when he's really relaxed. I miss lying my head on his chest when I fall asleep. I miss him singing to me...and I miss his cooking. I miss everything about him. I miss my otha alf.

 

There are so many little signs that are showing me my life is going in the direction it is supposed to.

I get told all the time that things will change.  "Don't count on things staying this way forever," they say. What do they know? What does anybody know? I'm not counting on things staying the same. I know that is impossible but I have been through a lot of things that people have no idea about. It's funny when I get underestimated...when what I say gets brushed off, after all..what would I know?

Feeling good since talking to Logan yesterday! Anxiety is going down and I am taking this week one day at a time. Level V is all about time management and man oh man is it tough. Spent 7 hours on CT2 so far and I'm only about 1/8 of the way done. It's due Saturday....yikes. But like I said, one day at a time. Things will work out :0) I have faith! Goodnight.